After nearly five years of higher education and one particularly lousy residential situation, I have come to a few conclusions about things I should do in the coming year, when I officially end my time in parentally-funded academia. In no particular order:
1. I will return the credit cards to Mom and Dad. I have mooched for the last 23 years, and it’s time for me to give them a break.
2. Whether I rent or own, I will have my own washer and dryer.
a. As cash will no longer be an issue, I will separate my laundry into whites and colors.
b. I will also buy detergent that costs more than £1, and dryer sheets.
3. I will have a dishwasher as well, but I will remember that some pans must be pre-scrubbed. I will not, however, take steel wool to a Teflon-coated skillet.
4. I will clean on a regular basis. The bathroom will be cleaned weekly. The dusting may be less frequent, but it will happen.
5. I will recycle, as long as there’s a bin nearby or pickup service.
6. Remembering that I come from a Gulf State and that shrimp originating in the North Atlantic or Vietnam are not fit for human consumption, I will cease to buy anything called a “Value Prawn”.
7. I will learn to prepare foods that do not originate in boxes.
a. I will also collect a decent selection of recipes that make attractive party dishes. You never know.
b. I will, however, remember that all meats and most vegetables taste better after the application of barbeque sauce.
c. I will learn to prepare ethnic cuisine, as pad thai is some of the best comfort food on the planet.
8. I will remember that oatmeal and other cereals are not part of a balanced lunch or dinner. I will also remember that ramen has no nutritional value whatsoever.
a. I will still continue to snack on dry cereal, as it has more fiber than, say, Cheetos.
b. I will also continue to buy low-fat ramen, because I am lazy like that.
9. On occasion, I will make myself eat a vegetable other than peas.
a. I will not eat asparagus in abundance.
b. I will remember that iceberg lettuce has no nutritional value whatsoever.
c. I will continue to eat multiple servings of fruit per day, even if most of those servings involve discount citrus.
10. I will limit my trips to Starbucks, not for political reasons, but because their coffee is freakishly expensive.
11. Remembering that adage about a fool and his money, I will not purchase organic products just because everyone else is.
12. I will have my car serviced on a regular basis. I will also wash my car, and not just clean the windshield at the gas station.
13. I will adopt something furry and canine to remind me that yes, I am loved, and no, I am not the center of the universe. I will also buy plants, which, knowing my luck, will probably die.
14. I will cease to be so hard on Southern American English. I may drop the occasional terminal G, but I will remember that half of Britain is unable to pronounce a terminal vowel without tacking an R on.
15. I will try to cultivate a vague interest in politics without becoming too cynical.
16. Remembering that not everyone likes New Age, Irish punk, or symphonic metal, especially not in combination, I will purchase at least one CD of jazz/mood/ambient music for social occasions.
17. I will learn to appreciate films that do not involve CGI, fantasy themes, riffing, lust-worthy actors, Mel Brooks, or Will Ferrell. I will, however, continue to maintain that Twister is underrated.
18. Though I have learned the stress-relieving powers of swearing, I will refrain from doing so around children under 12, my employer, my pastor, and my mother.
19. I will maintain contact with people from high school, college, and grad school. This is what e-mail (and the occasional letter to the convent) is for.
20. I may not like AP style or some of the nuances of Chicago, but I will get over it. I will not relinquish my Oxford comma unless forced.
21. I will keep a gym membership and will work out at least three times per week. Weather permitting, I will walk on the off days. The aforementioned canine will need exercise, even if I don’t feel up to it.
22. I will bear in mind that it is possible to have a good night out without drinking. I will not, however, be afraid to have two drinks in an evening.
a. I will remember that alcohol is caloric, though, and will request Diet Coke the rest of the time.
b. I will learn to drink something besides cider, sweet wines, and vodka mixers, but I will remember that shots are overrated.
23. I will not be afraid to fall in love, but I will not jump into bed with the first person to catch my eye.
24. I will remember that the world is a big, crazy, diverse place, and that not everyone does everything my way. That’s what makes life fun. I will attempt to limit my Type A anal-retentive tendencies around others.
25. I will stop being so hard on myself. I am not perfect, and no one expects perfection of me.
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